ibunka TB_U10

Unit 10

- Asking a Favor

INTRODUCTION TO TEACHERS Asking a favor of another person has long been a topic of interest to intercultural researchers. Since this action is a good indicator of personal relations and indebtedness, the ways in which people tackle it are quite culturally diverse. Japanese culture is said to place particular emphasis on the balance of social debt between people, so language and behavior reYlects this. It is interesting for students to compare not only the way people from other cultures ask for favors (directly or indirectly), but also the kinds of favors that one could ask of others without crossing any personal boundaries. It might be good to teach students words and phrases related to implicit understanding, such as “read the room” and “pick up on someone’s hints.”

Part 1 ........................................................................................................142 Part 2 ........................................................................................................144 One Step Further .................................................................................148 Cultural Commentary ........................................................................152

141

UNIT 10 | INTRODUCTION

Part 1

1 - You and Your Culture

Online Form for WARM-UP SURVEY (textbook p.62)

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Online Form for INTERVIEW (textbook p.63)

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Example Sentences for INTERVIEW (textbook p.63) Q1: What kinds of favors do you ask of people around you? Who do you ask? • I ask close friends for help with study and work, and general advice. • I ask my ikebana teacher for advice on my career after I graduate from university. • I usually ask my parents or zemi teacher for advice on study, and my friends for lend of things like books, but not money. Q2: Are you more comfortable asking favors from people older than you, or younger than you? • I think I’m most comfortable asking favors of people the same age as me. On the other hand, I Lind it difLicult to ask for favors from people younger than me. • I guess I am more comfortable asking favors from people older than me. Q3: When you ask someone your age for a favor, how do you go about it? • I often apologize for putting them out before asking. • I don’t usually ask directly. I just hint at my problem and wait for them to offer to help. • I guess I ask directly when I ask someone my age for a favor. Q4: What kinds of favors could you ask of your best friend from high school? • I can ask my best friends from high school for almost anything; for example, help with homework, advice on love, or even a lend of 10000 yen. • I could ask my best friends from high school for a lend of a book and help with homework. • I suppose I could ask my best friend for any of these favors. We’re very close- almost like sisters. Q5: When you ask someone for a favor, do you expect that you will have to repay it? • It depends on the person. When I ask my best friend for a favor, I usually don't feel that I have to repay it. On the other hand, when I ask someone older than me, I feel I should repay it. • I don't really expect that I will have to repay it. I think it's more important to be willing to give favors when asked by different people. I feel it's like a pass-it-on thing.

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UNIT 10 | WARM-UP SURVEY & INTERVIEW

Script for Model INTERVIEW (textbook p.63)

→ Available as audio track “10-00-Interview10” for listening/note-taking practice.

Q1: What kind of favors do you ask of people around you? And who do you ask? Hayato: I ask my family for advice pretty often. I can also ask my close friends for advice, and help with study. Q2: Are you more comfortable asking favors from people older than you, or people younger than you? Hayato: I guess people older than me, my sempai, are easiest for me to ask. It’s not as easy for me to ask classmates or people the same age as me. Q3: When you ask someone your age for a favor, how do you go about it? Hayato: I Yind it difYicult to ask directly, so I just hint at my problem and hope that they can pick up on what I’m trying to say. Q4: What kind of favors could you ask of your best friend from high school? Hayato: Ken? I could always ask him for help with my homework, and a lend of a book if I needed one. And we could talk about love, and he gave me some good advice. Q5: When you ask someone for a favor, do you expect that you will have to repay it? Hayato: Yes, I usually feel that way. I do feel a sense of obligation, and I look for ways to try and repay their kindness.

143

UNIT 10 | INTERVIEW

Online Form for EXPRESSION 1 & 2 (textbook p.64)

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Example Sentences for EXPRESSION 1 (textbook p.64) • It’s my view that in Japan, close friends ask directly for favors more than senior students and junior students do. • It's my view that in Japan, women drop hints instead of asking for favors more than men do. • I feel that in Japanese society, women often give something in return for favors, because they feel that it’s easy to ask something from that person next time. • I feel that in Japanese culture, young people often ask family members for favors rather than classmates because they don't want to look like they are not clever or capable. • Junior students don't ask senior students directly for favors because they are conscious of seniority. Example Sentences for EXPRESSION 2 (textbook p.64) • I think that in Japan, I think that it's common for people to drop hints when asking for help. Personally, I prefer to ask directly. That's why I get frustrated when people don’t ask me directly for help. I cannot Yigure out what I should do for them. But I know that it is difYicult to ask directly for help. • I think that in Japan, it’s common to give something in return for a favor. Personally, I like to do something in return for favors. • I think that in Japan, it’s rare to ask teachers for advice. But personally, I prefer to ask teachers rather than friends for advice.

Part 2

t 2 - People in Other Cultures

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Answers to COMPREHENSION 1 (textbook p.65) Highlighted words are those from the VOCABULARY boxes.

144

UNIT 10 | EXPRESSION & COMPREHENSION

1 Marie , French, artist, lives in Japan As a French person, I agree with the remark concerning French society. When I need help, I tend to just talk to my friends about my problems without asking for help directly, in order to avoid putting pressure on them.

TRUE FALSE

→ Marie believes that asking her friends directly for help would have a negative affect on their relationship.

☑

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2 Joey , American, teacher, lives in Japan I suppose that Americans are rather direct. Especially with people we’re close to, we just say, "Hey, could you do me a favor?" or use some other casual expression. And it can be okay to say no to a request without suffering any lasting damage to the relationship.

TRUE FALSE

→ Joey would probably only ever ask a favor of his friends using very formal language.

☑

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3 Lesley , Australian, biologist, has lived in Japan Australians generally ask favors of others directly but politely. I have the feeling that hinting at a problem might be seen as slippery or even somehow dishonest, since it’s generally a culture which prides itself on straight, honest communication.

TRUE FALSE

→ According to Lesley, in Australian culture it’s probably better to explain honestly what you want when asking for favors.

☑

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4 Patricia , Hungarian, student, lives in Japan In Japan, my experience is that usually it is enough to describe your problem, and the other person will understand that you are asking for help. In that sense, it is the complete opposite of Hungary. In Hungary, if you were to ask a favor simply by describing your situation, you would probably receive a response like "So?" or "I see."

TRUE FALSE

→ Patricia says that the way in which people ask for favors in Hungary is exactly the same as in Japan.

☑

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UNIT 10 | COMPREHENSION

Answers to COMPREHENSION 2 (textbook p.66)

Example Sentences for DISCUSSION (textbook p.66) • I found Ali's response to be the most interesting, because it turns out that the Pakistani people have a strong ethos of returning favors. In my experience Japanese and Pakistanis have this in common. • I found Lesley's response to be the most surprising. In my experience, most people around me don’t feel uncomfortable hinting at a problem, but in Australian society, not asking directly is considered dishonest. • I found Patricia's response to be the most thought-provoking. In my experience most Japanese people will help if I am having trouble with something. But this doesn't seem to be the case in Hungary. 7 Ali , Pakistani, student, lives in Japan In Pakistan, people usually ask directly for favors, but I think we tend to change our style depending on what we’re asking for, and who we’re asking. In return, Pakistani people invite others for a meal at their home or a restaurant. Or if we go to someone’s house, we always take some fruit or sweets . There is a strong ethos of returning favors. 5 Jerry, American, carpenter, lives in Japan Having been raised in England, I tend to downplay any strengths I might have. I think this is a cultural trait. In British culture, one cannot appear to boast . If I say I am not clever, or not good at something, then I can take it off the table as a topic and no one can criticize me or make fun of me. 6 Scott , Australian, teacher, lives in Japan, has lived in the UK I have the impression that Japanese people tend not to ask for help, probably because it makes them accountable to the person who helped them. And I’m conscious that many Japanese people I know give generous gifts in return for gifts, favors, or simply putting others out.

146

UNIT 10 | COMPREHENSION & DISCUSSION

Answers to COMPREHENSION 3 (textbook p.67)

8 Mariko, Japanese, editor, has lived in England There is a Japanese expression that goes, "A small kindness can incur a big debt for others" ( chisa na shinsetsu, ookina sewa ). I don't want to make trouble for another person, so I don't want to just thoughtlessly offer my help, and end up burdening them. I only offer help after carefully observing the other person’s needs. I am also cautious of offers of help from others, because sometimes their sympathy is only superficial.

TRUE FALSE

→ Mariko is hesitant to offer help to others because she doesn’t want them to feel pressure to repay it.

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9 Yoshi , Japanese, JICA overseas volunteer, has lived in Nepal In Japanese, there are euphemistic phrases used to politely turn down an offer of help, which might not be perceived as refusals by people outside of the culture. For example, "I'll consider it,” "That sounds OK,” or "That might be a good idea." I feel that this kind of language sometimes leads to misunderstandings when translated directly into English.

TRUE FALSE

→ According to Yoshi, refusals of help in Japanese are not as polite as they are in English.

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□

10 Juan , Mexican, teacher, lives in Japan I find that after spending an extended period of time in Japan I have come to apologize a lot when asking for favors or help, even when I speak my native language. It’s almost like a default setting of humility and politeness.

TRUE FALSE

→ Living in Japan has had an effect on the way Juan asks others for help.

☑

□

Extra Discussion Questions 1. What is the most “weighty” favor you have ever asked of someone? How did you ask for this favor? 2. Do you feel an obligation to send New Year’s cards? How about gifts or omiyage - do you usually return these to people who give them to you?

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UNIT 10 | COMPREHENSION

One Step Further rther

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Suggested Answers for ONE STEP FURTHER Activities (Google Form)

p.92-p.93 | LOOKING FOR PATTERNS Here are some example answers for the Google form.

1 Japanese / female / project manager / has lived in the UK Cultural Pattern A: I can ask a family member or close friend for anything directly

Cultural Pattern B: if the person I need a favor from and I have a less intimate relationship, I carefully consider the timing and how I should communicate even the smallest request.

2 Japanese / male / student / lives in the US Cultural Pattern A: If they can’t do it (or won’t do it), they will let you know honestly. 3 French / male / teacher / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: none 4 Canadian / male / teacher / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: In Japan, I have noticed that sometimes when colleagues ask me for a favor there is an unspoken expectation that I do what is requested.

Cultural Pattern B: none

Cultural Pattern B: give gifts as an indirect way of asking for future favors.

Cultural Pattern B: none

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UNIT 10 | ONE STEP FURTHER

5 British / female / biologist / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: none

Cultural Pattern B: Japanese people tend to avoid asking directly for help

6 Australian / male / videographer / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: Asking directly for favors / I appreciate directness and do not like being expected to read minds 7 French / female / teacher / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: none

Cultural Pattern B: none

Cultural Pattern B: I think I tend to give hints when I'm having a problem / people would tend to talk about their problems, hoping to get offered some help.

8 French / male / professor / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: none

Cultural Pattern B: You share a problem, and then some friends or people can have a tendency to give too much advice, to the point of being annoying.

9 Belgian / female / teacher / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: none

Cultural Pattern B: after hearing about problems I was having, friends would OFFER their help / it is common to first turn it down it / insists, “Don’t worry about it, it’s really no problem”, and this continues until finally the offered help is accepted

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UNIT 10 | ONE STEP FURTHER

10 Asking a Favor

One Step Further ACTIVITIES

Here are some more responses from the Ibunka Survey on the topic of asking favors. Let’s examine them for underlying cultural trends. We can see that the language in many responses hints at two basic patterns.

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I think that Americans have no qualms about saying "no" to requests from others. So in a way, it's quite easy to ask for help. If they can’t do it (or won’t do it), they will let you know honestly. In the case of Japanese people, I feel I have to always be cautious. -DSDQHVH PDOH VWXGHQW OLYHV LQ WKH 86 2

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In Japan, I have noticed that sometimes when colleagues ask me for a favor there is an unspoken expectation that I do what is requested. Although the phrasing of the question may make it sound like there’s a choice, the subtext is that I am expected to do it, regardless of how I might feel about it. &DQDGLDQ PDOH WHDFKHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 4

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Asking directly for favors is closest to my own experience. I appreciate directness and do not like being expected to read minds. But I think culture is better understood as the way different families within different classes live, as countries are just too big. Different families have different values, and sometimes it's easy to confuse what is normal to me as being 'Australian', when another Australian will have a completely different experience. $XVWUDOLDQ PDOH YLGHRJUDSKHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 6 I was brought up in the West part of France, and unconsciously, I think I tend to give hints when I'm having a problem. My closest family members tend to ask favors directly, above all when it's something practical. But, when it's a much more personal matter, I think that in France, people would tend to talk about their problems, hoping to get offered some help. )UHQFK IHPDOH WHDFKHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 7 I think that in France, friends are usually eager to offer their help or advice if they feel they can; it's a way to show that you care, a mark of friendship. However, unsolicited advice is also common in France. You share a problem, and then some friends or people can have a tendency to give too much advice, to the point of being annoying. This type of personal intrusion is something I have never experienced in Japan. )UHQFK PDOH SURIHVVRU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 8 From my experience in Japan, I think people consider it a virtue to intuit the help that their friends need, and just go ahead and do it without actually consulting them! I have been “helped by a friend” many times where the help wasn’t actually what I wanted. I have learnt not to mention any problems I may be having, even to rather close friends. From what I recall from my youth in Belgium, after hearing about problems I was having, friends would OFFER their help. That’s a huge difference. When I returned to Belgium after some years in Japan, I noticed that there is actually a funny little dance that occurs in those cases. After the friend offers their help, NY NX HTRRTS YT ƳWXY turn it down it, saying something like “No, that would be too much trouble for you”. So then the friend insists, “Don’t worry about it, it’s really no UWTGQJRƐ FSI YMNX HTSYNSZJX ZSYNQ ƳSFQQ^ YMJ TKKJWJI MJQU NX FHHJUYJI . During this back and forth, the problem and its solution have actually been thought about by both people, so it’s really rare to be helped in a way that doesn’t match your actual needs. For me, this feels straightforward and respectful. %HOJLDQ IHPDOH WHDFKHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 9

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Write a paragraph on the topic of asking and receiving favors. Include your opinions and reactions to the cultural patterns you found in these survey responses.

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Cultural Commentary lt l Co entary

Can you do me a solid? This unit in particular (and the next one: Interacting with Strangers) is directly inspired by the chapter on friendship in Raymonde Carroll’s book Cultural Misunderstandings : the French-American experience. Carroll’s approach is to analyze situations of daily life in which intercultural misunderstandings often occur between people from the two cultures she examines: French and American. The Yirst question of our Ibunka Survey on this topic, which opens the People in Other Cultures section of this unit, is actually quite atypical amongst the survey questions in the textbook. Instead of asking respondents to share their opinions and experiences in response to an open-ended question, we ask them how they relate to a very simpliYied version of Carroll’s conclusion. It reads, “An expert on American and French cultures has observed that Americans tend to directly ask favors of their friends. In contrast, French people tend to indirectly hint at a problem they are having, and wait for their friends to offer help. Does that match your personal experience? How do people do this in the culture you grew up in?” We are well aware that asking a question in this way may be seen as leading or skewing respondents’ replies. However, our intention in the Survey was not to produce scientiYic research, but rather to collect authentic stories and opinions from people, in order to pursue a single pedagogical goal. Indirectness is respectful The majority of responses echoed the general direct-indirect continuum suggested in the question. On the “indirect approach”end of the continuum, respondent Marie says on page 65, “As a French person, I agree with the remark concerning French society. When I need help, I tend to just talk to my friends about my problems without asking for help directly, in order to avoid putting pressure on them.” A respondent from neighboring Belgium (One Step Further no.9) expands on this: “From what I recall from my youth in Belgium, after hearing about problems I was having, friends would OFFER their help. That’s a huge difference. When I returned to Belgium after some years in Japan, I noticed that there is actually a funny little dance that occurs in those cases. After the friend offers their help, it is common to Yirst turn it down, saying something like “No, that would be too much trouble for you”. So then the friend insists, “Don’t worry about it, it’s really no problem”, and this continues until Yinally the offered help is accepted.” She goes on to explain why she likes this interaction style: “During this back and forth, the problem and its solution have actually been thought about by both people, so it’s really rare to be helped in a way that doesn’t match your actual needs. For me, this feels straightforward and respectful.” It’s clear that Carroll’s model of cultural difference holds some weight. No, directness is more respectful! Articulating an opinion from the “direct approach” end of the continuum, American respondent Joey says, “I suppose that Americans are rather direct. Especially with people we're close to, we just say, "Hey, could you do me a favor?" or use some other casual expression. And it can be okay to say no to a request without suffering any lasting damage to the relationship.” Australian Lesley concurs, “Australians generally ask favors of others directly but politely. I have the feeling that hinting at a problem might be seen as slippery or even somehow dishonest, since it’s generally a culture which prides itself on straight, honest communication.” Culture shocks galore Such hidden, unconscious differences in how to conduct such a basic human interaction naturally lead to culture shocks. Raymonde Carroll explains that when experiencing this interaction Someone from a French culture background will typically think something like, “American people are so superYicial! I thought that Mary was my friend, but when I needed help (and I mentioned my problem to her) she didn’t even offer to help me.” Conversely, American people tend to consider offers of help as intrusions into the friend’s life: “Pierre is my friend, so he knows that he can ask me anything. If he needed my help, he would have asked.” In a different area of life, when one is dealing with strangers and not close people like friends, the same logic seems to apply, as Polly Platt explains in her book French or Foe? Stopping someone on a street in France and asking them bluntly to tell you where the post ofYice is, for example, is likely to attract negative reactions. On the contrary, Platt suggests that if (after greeting the person properly, of course) you start by explaining your situation, saying something like, “Excusez-moi, Monsieur / Madame, mais j’ai un problème…” (“Excuse me, but I have a problem…”), people actually show great kindness. She goes as far as calling those the “Four magic words”. A direct request for help doesn’t bring about good results, whereas simply hinting quickly at a more roundabout request opens people’s hearts.

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UNIT 10 | CULTURAL COMMENTARY

Japan, yet another cultural pattern Hungarian respondent Patricia notes on page 65 that “ In Japan, my experience is that usually it is enough to describe your problem, and the other person will understand that you are asking for help.” But this can actually lead to a different outcome to what you anticipated, even from the point of view of a person from an “indirect approach” culture. The Belgian respondent mentioned earlier admits that “From my experience in Japan, I think people consider it a virtue to intuit the help that their friend’s need, and just go ahead and do it without actually consulting them! I have been “helped by a friend” many times where the help wasn’t actually what I wanted. I have learnt not to mention any problems I may be having, even to rather close friends.” There is, of course, variance in style within a single culture. A Japanese respondent expresses the following opinion: “I think Japanese people tend to change their style depending on two things: what we’re asking for, and who we're asking. For example, I can ask a family member or close friend for anything directly, but if the person I need a favor from and I have a less intimate relationship, I carefully consider the timing and how I should communicate even the smallest request.” (OSF, no.1) So perhaps in Japan there is a great diversity of ways of asking for help, which depend on the exact parameters of the social situation. A Canadian respondent notes for example that in his experience “sometimes when colleagues ask me for a favor there is an unspoken expectation that I do what is requested. Although the phrasing of the question may make it sound like there’s a choice, the subtext is that I am expected to do it, regardless of how I might feel about it.” (OSF, no.4) You owe me one! The consensus among our respondents is that social obligations are a strong part of the interpersonal culture in Japan. American respondent Jerry notes on page 66 that “In Japan, people keep track of social debt! This is a reason why people give presents so often, even when they visit someone's home. Any sort of imposition must be compensated for. It's a "give and take" society, as my Japanese wife often says. I guess people are very aware of this, and maybe that’s why they don’t often ask for favors.” Japanese respondent Mariko explains on page 67 that “There is a Japanese expression that goes, "A small kindness can incur a big debt for others" (chisa na shinsetsu, ookina sewa). I don't want to make trouble for another person, so I don't want to just thoughtlessly offer my help, and end up burdening them.” These responses give voice to the Japanese rituals of gift-giving and exchanges of seasonal greetings, which have been described as elaborate ways of balancing social debt and smoothening interpersonal relations. "I'll consider it" = “No way!”, “I am sorry” = “Thank you”. It seems that in Japanese culture, language and behavior pertaining to favors and obligations is quite specialized. Former JICA volunteer Yoshi notes on page 67 that “In Japanese, there are euphemistic phrases used to politely turn down an offer of help, which might not be perceived as refusals by people outside of Japanese culture. For example, "I'll consider it," "That sounds OK," or "That might be a good idea." I feel that this kind of language sometimes leads to misunderstandings when translated directly into English.” Additionally, Mexican respondent Juan admits that Japanese cultural traits have seeped into his own behavior. Rather than simply thanking others, “after spending an extended period of time in Japan I have come to apologize a lot when asking for favors or help, even when I speak my native language. It’s almost like a default setting of humility and politeness.” Finally, even the action of giving gifts can carry quite precise meanings, which are sometimes lost across cultural borders. “Living in Japan, I have had some unpleasant experiences with people who give gifts as an indirect way of asking for future favors. It feels quite uncomfortable to me.”, notes a French respondent in the One Step Further section (no.3) References and further reading • Platt, P. (1994), French or Foe? London: Culture Crossings • Carroll, R. (1988), Cultural Misunderstandings : the French-American experience , Chicago : University of Chicago Press

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UNIT 10 | CULTURAL COMMENTARY