ibunka TB_U7

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ibunka TB_U7

Unit 7

- Romance and Relationships

INTRODUCTION TO TEACHERS Romantic love and relationships are interesting for students, but given their comparative lack of experience in the area (!) some careful guidance is required. The idea of intercultural marriage has long been a “hot topic” in Japan and is becoming increasingly common in real life. How do differences in communication and expressing one’s feelings affect a romantic relationship? What kinds of problems might you experience when dating someone from a different cultural background? These questions are tricky and quite personal, so it’s a good idea to give students a heads-up, and remind them to be respectful when discussing them with classmates and their teacher.

Part 1 ........................................................................................................101 Part 2 ........................................................................................................103 One Step Further .................................................................................107 Cultural Commentary ........................................................................111

100

UNIT 7 | INTRODUCTION

Part 1

1 - You and Your Culture

Online Form for WARM-UP SURVEY (textbook p.44)

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Online Form for INTERVIEW (textbook p.45)

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Example Sentences for INTERVIEW (textbook p.45) Q1: What kinds of actions do you think are romantic? • I think giving Llowers or a small gift is romantic. I feel happiest with everyday gifts. • I think that going out for a fancy dinner on your anniversary is romantic.

• I feel that giving Llowers, dinner at a nice restaurant, and little messages of love are all romantic gestures. Q2: Which of these do you think is more important in a relationship: to talk openly and honestly about most things, or to be able to notice your partner’s needs without words? • In my opinion it’s more important to talk openly and honestly. Otherwise, I can't build a trusting relationship. • I think it's more important to be able to notice or guess my partner's needs without using words. Q3: Who usually pays the bill when you are on a lunch date with someone? • We split the bill, because I want us to be equal. • Most of the time we split the bill, but sometimes I let my partner pay if they insist. Q4: What kinds of things do you think are important to do together with your long-term partner? • I think talking about your day and eating dinner together are good to do with your partner. • I feel it’s quite important to go on regular dates. It’s good to experience new things together.

• I think it’s very important to make big decisions together as a couple. Q5: Would you like to get married (or live with someone) in the future? • I’d like to. I guess it depends on whether I Lind the right person. • Yes, because I want to share my life with someone and I don't want to die alone. • No, not particularly. If it happens, it happens, but it’s not my top priority.

101

UNIT 7 | WARM-UP SURVEY & INTERVIEW

Script for Model INTERVIEW (textbook p.45)

→ Available as audio track “7-00-Interview7” for listening/note-taking practice.

Q1.1: Hi Sakura. Do you mind if I ask you a few personal questions? Sakura: Not at all. Q1.2: Thanks. What kinds of actions do you think are “romantic” ? Sakura: I think giving little gifts to each other is nice. And messages are romantic too. I want to know that my partner is thinking about me. Q2: Which of these do you think is more important in a relationship: to talk openly and honestly about most things, or to be able to guess your partner’s needs without words? Sakura: Hmm. Good question. Conversation is important, but my partner should really know me well enough to be able to guess what I want or need. Q3: Who pays the bill when you are on a lunch date with someone? Sakura: We usually just split the bill. It’s easier that way. Q4: I see. What kinds of things do you think are important to do together with your partner? Sakura: Well, like I said, communication is important, so in the evening it’s nice to talk about your day. And I do think it’s important to spend time going out together as often as you can. Q5: And Yinally, a very personal question. Would you like to get married (or live together with someone) in the future? Sakura: Yes, I do want to get married one day- in my late twenties would be good. I want to have children.

102

UNIT 7 | INTERVIEW

Online Form for EXPRESSION 1 & 2 (textbook p.46)

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Example Sentences for EXPRESSION 1 (textbook p.46) • I think that in Japan elderly couples tend to have traditional gender roles. • I think that in Japan, young couples tend to go on regular dates. This could be a stereotypical idea, but I feel that many teenage couples go to places like Aeon Mall. • I have the feeling that progressive types are more likely than conservative types to share the housework. • I have the feeling that couples in urban areas are more likely than couples in rural areas to both have jobs. • I think that in Japan, before ofYicially a couple, men invite women on dates, but once they’re a couple, women invite men on dates. Some men never feed a landed Yish. Example Sentences for EXPRESSION 2 (textbook p.46) • Like most Japanese women, I think that in a serious relationship it's very important to share the housework. • Like many Japanese people, I think that in a relationship it's very important to live together before marriage. If I live with my partner before we get married, I may be able to know more about their personality. • Unlike many Japanese men, I think that in a relationship it's rather important to talk openly about everything. • Unlike many young Japanese people, I think it's not so important to go on regular dates.

Part 2

t 2 - People in Other Cultures

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103

UNIT 7 | EXPRESSION

Answers to COMPREHENSION 1 (textbook p.47) Highlighted words are those from the VOCABULARY boxes.

1 Nadia , Italian, teacher and translator, lives in Japan My Japanese husband is OK with holding hands when we walk around together, but he is not OK with kissing me on the street. I sometimes miss a quick peck on the cheek.

TRUE FALSE

→ Nadia’s husband likes to express his love for her with kisses when they go out together.

☑

□

2 Trevor , American, businessman, has lived in the UK I know some people may find it embarrassing, but I feel it is natural for couples to show their affection at any time. It shouldn’t matter where you are. I am very proud of my wife and I am happy to allow people to see that I love her very much.

TRUE FALSE

→ Trevor doesn't see anything wrong with showing affection towards his wife in front of others.

☑

□

3 Jacques , French, surveyor, has lived in the US When I was a student in the US, I found it very strange that people called me romantic all the time just because of my French nationality.

TRUE FALSE

→ Jacques is a true romantic, but people in the US didn’t recognize that.

☑

□

4 Jacques , French, surveyor, has lived in the US And in fact, I was shocked whenever I went out with couples. Often they were all over each other, holding each other, kissing, and calling each other cute names. In France, that behavior is considered quite rude by people you are with (your friends or your family), as if you are excluding them or ignoring them.

TRUE FALSE

→ Jacques felt that American couples’ public behavior was inappropriate.

☑

□

104

UNIT 7 | COMPREHENSION

Answers to COMPREHENSION 2 (textbook p.48)

Example Sentences for DISCUSSION (textbook p.48) • I found Jacques's response to be the most unexpected. I thought that couples being all over each other isn't considered bad in Europe. However, it seems to be considered quite rude by people in France. • I found Nadia's response to be the most interesting. It seems strange to me that couples have public displays of affection, but for some people it is a sign that they have a good relationship. 5 Hanna, Hungarian, research student, lives in Japan I would say that discussion is definitely important. In Hungary, we have a proverb that says, “Even a mother can't understand the words of a speechless child”. Basically, this means that we shouldn’t expect anyone to guess our needs if we don’t put them into words. I think that being able to listen to each other’s opinions and requests is one of the most vital things in a relationship. 6 Maho , Japanese, ofYice worker, has lived in Brazil My Brazilian partner asks me to tell him, exactly what I want, but I wish he could “read the signs” a little better. I know there are cultural differences, but I feel that if he truly loves me, he should take the time to notice my needs.

105

UNIT 7 | COMPREHENSION & DISCUSSION

Answers to CULTURE SHOCK (textbook p.49)

7 Mila, Swiss, cabin attendant, lives in Japan When I met my Japanese boyfriend (who later became my husband), I thought we could have frank discussions about anything. But that was before we got serious.

TRUE FALSE

→ Takeru wanted Mila to tell him all about her ex-boyfriend Frank.

☑

□

8 Takeru , Japanese, designer, has lived in Switzerland I am fine with discussing things, but in a truly loving relationship, both partners ought to be attentive to the other’s needs and feelings. I feel that without real empathy, talk is useless.

TRUE FALSE

→ Takeru believes that true love must include being aware of what your partner needs.

☑

□

9 Mila , Swiss, cabin attendant, lives in Japan For me, it’s only after having a good discussion that you can really empathize with someone. If you just try to guess their feelings, the chances are high that you’ll be mistaken a lot of the time.

TRUE FALSE

→ Mila is conYident that she can always guess what Takeru is thinking.

☑

□

10 Takeru , Japanese, designer, has lived in Switzerland My wife and I are both supposed to be adults. So I feel that I shouldn’t have to explain everything to her. But when we need to make a decision she insists on discussing everything in detail. I sometimes feel that she is like a robot that can’t deal with real human emotions. It’s frustrating, but we’re both making an effort to bridge the gap.

TRUE FALSE

→ Takeru's wife can explain in detail how robots work.

☑

□

106

UNIT 7 | CULTURE SHOCK

Extra Discussion Questions 1. What do you think are the biggest challenges for people in international marriages?

One Step Further rther

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Suggested Answers for ONE STEP FURTHER Activities (Google Form)

p.86-p.87 | LOOKING FOR PATTERNS Here are some example answers for the Google form. 1 Chinese / female / ofYice worker / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: Intellectually, I am attracted to the idea that partners in a relationship need to talk in order to understand each other

Cultural Pattern B: maybe in reality what I really want is for my husband to guess my needs. It makes me feel loved / As for older generations in my home country, I am pretty sure that they don't value discussion between spouses. In traditional Chinese culture, people are shy about expressing their needs.

2 American / male / university teacher / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: I think it’s OK that my partner can’t guess my needs, but she should be open to my opinions or requests. I believe that partners should always articulate their needs / I just want her to say what she wants

Cultural Pattern B: I think my Japanese wife is more of the opinion that if you really care for someone, you should be able to intuit their needs / I sometimes feel like she wants me to be a mind-reader

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UNIT 7 | ONE STEP FURTHER

3 Australian / male / sports coach / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: My Australian wife and I always talk about things if there are any issues. We also share our needs with each other so that we understand each other on a better level. 4 Spanish / male / university lecturer / lives in Spain Cultural Pattern A: open and honest communication is vital in keeping it strong. 5 Japanese / female / jewellery artisan / has lived in Australia Cultural Pattern A: none 6 Croatian / female / research student / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern C: We do have some friends in common 7 French / female / teacher and translator / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern C: Most of our friends we have in common 8 Japanese / female / counsellor / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern C: I don’t think it's absolutely necessary to have the same friends as your spouse. 9 American / male / university teacher / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern C: none

Cultural Pattern B: none

Cultural Pattern B: doesn’t need to spell things out in so much detail / being too analytical takes some of the romance out of a relationship.

Cultural Pattern D: It can be surprisingly difficult to get him to meet my friends.

Cultural Pattern D: none

Cultural Pattern D: We don't have any friends in common

Cultural Pattern D: No, not truly if I'm being honest / I would not consider them "friends" in the traditional sense. In other words, I would not go out on my own with these people

Note: In the Yirst printing of the book, there are errors in the numbers of the last two responses. “Response 9” should be “Response 8” and “Response 10” should be “Response 9”.

108

UNIT 7 | ONE STEP FURTHER

7 Romance and Relationships

One Step Further ACTIVITIES

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CULTURAL PATTERN A: Understanding through discussion

CULTURAL PATTERN B: Understanding without words

In some cultures, people believe that it’s important for couples to discuss in depth the issues that they need to make decisions about.

In other cultures, the common assumption is that people should be able to understand their partner’s needs without words, and rely less on rational discussion.

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Intellectually, I am attracted to the idea that partners in a relationship need to talk in order to understand each other. But when I think about it, maybe in reality what I really want is for my husband to guess my needs. It makes me feel loved. I think talking things over is necessary, but ZUTS WJƴJHYNTS , I don’t share my opinions with my partner that often. As for older generations in my home country, I am pretty sure that they don't value discussion between spouses. In traditional Chinese culture, people are shy about expressing their needs. &KLQHVH IHPDOH RɝFH ZRUNHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 1 I think it’s OK that my partner can’t guess my needs, but she should be open to my opinions or requests. I believe that partners should always articulate their needs. I think my Japanese wife is more of the opinion that if you really care for someone, you should be able to intuit their needs. This might explain a constant source of tension in our relationship: I sometimes feel like she wants me to be a mind-reader, but I just want her to say what she wants. We somehow muddle through, and over time have learnt how to adjust to each other’s styles. $PHULFDQ PDOH XQLYHUVLW\ WHDFKHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 2 My Australian wife and I always talk about things if there are any issues. We also share our needs with each other so that we understand each other on a better level. $XVWUDOLDQ PDOH VSRUWV FRDFK OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 3 I do think that "unspoken" understanding is a sign of a close relationship, but open and honest communication is vital in keeping it strong. 6SDQLVK PDOH XQLYHUVLW\ OHFWXUHU OLYHV LQ 6SDLQ 4 I am married to an Australian man. He’s quite expressive, but sometimes when he’s talking he tends to be too long-winded. I’m not stupid- he doesn’t need to spell things out in so much detail. I think that being too analytical takes some of the romance out of a relationship. -DSDQHVH IHPDOH MHZHOOHU\ DUWLVDQ KDV OLYHG LQ $XVWUDOLD 5

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CULTURAL PATTERN C: Having friends in common is desirable In some cultures, people think that it’s important that couples have mutual friends and do activities together.

CULTURAL PATTERN D: Having separate friends is more comfortable In other cultures, many people think that it is easier and more appropriate if each partner has their own set of friends, since one’s friends may not have much in common with one’s partner.

Highlight in one color the words and phrases that hint at Cultural Pattern C: Having friends in common is desirable, and in another color the parts that suggest Cultural Pattern D: Having separate friends is more comfortable.

We do have some friends in common, but they are mostly my Japanese partner’s friends. .Y HFS GJ XZWUWNXNSLQ^ INKƳHZQY YT LJY MNR YT RJJY R^ KWNJSIX . &URDWLDQ IHPDOH UHVHDUFK VWXGHQW OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 6 Of course! Most of our friends we have in common, but not all of them. I want to see my friends on a regular basis, so if they were just my friends and not his, I would end up spending a lot of time away from my husband. Plus, it’s really fun to talk with him about people we both know. )UHQFK IHPDOH WHDFKHU DQG WUDQVODWRU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 7 There are people I know who are family friends, but I don't think they would call us mutual friends. We don't have any friends in common because we went to different universities and work at different companies. It doesn't matter if we share friends or not. I don’t think it's absolutely necessary to have the same friends as your spouse. -DSDQHVH IHPDOH FRXQVHOORU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 8 No, not truly if I'm being honest. I have gotten to know the key people in her life over the years, and do care for them, but I would not consider them "friends" in the traditional sense. In other words, I would not go out on my own with these people. When I interact with them, my (Japanese) wife is almost always around. The same goes for her and my friends. $PHULFDQ PDOH XQLYHUVLW\ WHDFKHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 9

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Write a paragraph on the topic of romance. Include your opinions and reactions to the cultural patterns you found in these survey responses.

EXPRESSION

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Cultural Commentary lt l Co entary

Public Displays of Affection In this unit, we deal Yirst (Comprehension 1) with a topic that is immediately obvious to students: public

displays of affection (PDA). On page 47, an Italian, an American and a French respondent each share experiences. Italian Nadia talks about holding hands and kissing on the street. American Trevor states that for him, PDAs are OK anywhere, anytime: he is happy to “allow people to see that I love her very much.” But not all cultures are so open about affection. French Jacques explains that when he was living in the US he was actually shocked at the way young American couples display intimacy through “holding each other, kissing, and calling each other cute names”. He felt they were “all over each other”. “Get a room!”

Indeed, as Raymonde Carroll explains in the chapter on Couples in her excellent book Cultural misunderstandings : the French-American experience , French people distinguish strongly between two situations. One is when you are with your partner in public, surrounded by strangers, and the other is when you are out with friends. While people in French culture generally have no qualms about kissing in public, they frown upon obvious expressions of intimacy when couples are with their friends, family or other people they are close to. Says Jacques: “In France, that behavior is considered quite rude by people you are with (your friends or your family), as if you are excluding them or ignoring them. So, French people can be extremely individualistic when surrounded by strangers (“We are what we are, so what?”) but rather collectivist when they socialize. Overly affectionate people will be told to “get a room”. So, couples express their intimacy in more indirect ways, like allowing oneself to intervene into their partner's behavior (“I think you drank enough for tonight, darling”) or contradicting each other in debate or even while discussing more practical matters. This kind of doesn’t fail to shock American couples, who would feel uncomfortable to be around such scenes, because for them contradiction in public is tantamount to a conYlict. The triangle model of cultural comparison This is another interesting discovery that Japanese students can make, going further against the misguided notion that all Western cultures are alike. A triangular model replaces the usual us/them dichotomy : • Americans and French people both behave in quite individualistic ways when they are surrounded by strangers in a public space, yet • French and Japanese people control their “PDA behavior” to a large extent when they are in the presence of friends and family (even if there are considerable differences in the way people from these two cultures do this.)

In the Discussion activity, this student chose French respondent’s Jacques as the one that was most interesting to her. She noticed that some aspects of French culture are similar to Japanese culture. But it’s not clear whether she caught the fact that PDAs are accepted in France in the presence of strangers: “in front of people,” is not very clear. If she had written “in front of friends, or in front of people they know”, it would have been clearer.

Reading each other’s minds The unit then moves on to a deeper topic- how do couples expect to manage the everyday details of their relationship? Do they express their needs clearly and directly, or do they prefer to rely on more tacit understanding?

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UNIT 7 | CULTURAL COMMENTARY

Hungarian Hanna and Swiss Mila express a view of communication between partners which seems to be common in many Western cultures: “I think that being able to listen to each other’s opinions and requests is one of the most vital things in a relationship”, “For me, it’s only after having a good discussion that you can really empathize with someone. If you just try to guess their feelings, the chances are high that you’ll be mistaken a lot of the time.” On the other hand, Japanese respondents Maho and Takeru express a different preference: “I feel that if he truly loves me, he should take the time to notice my needs”, “I wish he could “read the air” a little better”, and “I feel that I shouldn’t have to explain everything to her.” For them, words shouldn't be so necessary in an intimate relationship. Spelling everything out in detail feels rather cold to them, almost as if their partner wasn’t interested in trying to understand them intuitively. Another Japanese respondent in the OSF section (No. 5) backs this up when she says that for her, “being too analytical takes some of the romance out of a relationship.” In this section, that encompasses Comprehension 2 and Culture Shock, Japanese culture is contrasted with the West as a whole. There actually are deep cultural variations between Western countries, for example between the American and European styles of communication between partners: the degree to which disagreement is accepted, the directeness or indirectness of expressing requests (see Unit 10: Asking a Favor), how directly you express feelings, and the acceptance of sarcasm, humor and irony, amongst others. In the One Step Further section, a Chinese respondent echoes the Japanese predominant cultural pattern: “When I think about it, maybe in reality what I really want is for my husband to guess my needs”. Having friends in common The One Step Further section for this unit covers two topics. The Yirst is about communication styles: “Understanding through discussion” versus “Understanding without words.” The second is more about social or lifestyle preferences: “Having friends in common” versus. “Having separate friends is more comfortable”. • A Japanese respondent states that for her, “We don’t have any friends in common because we went to different universities and work at different companies. It doesn’t matter if we share friends or not”. • A Croatian respondent shares that she Yinds it “surprisingly difYicult to get (her Japanese partner’s) to meet (her) friends.” • An American informant reports that he doesn’t have any friends in common with his Japanese wife, in the meaning of having not only a common bond, but also diadic bonds between him and each of them (which seems to be his meaning for “the traditional sense” of the meaning of “friends”). But it’s worth noting that he seems to indicate meeting his friends in the presence of his wife, and that the reverse is also true. Many other responses we got in the Ibunka Survey were by Westerners complaining that they missed not having friends in common with their Japanese spouse. In Japan, a common reaction seems to be “Why don’t you go out with your friends? They’re yours, and not mine.” It seems that the boundaries of groups (spouse, family, friends, co- workers, etc) are quite differently drawn according to culture. This issue is also connected to the topic of the house (Unit 4, Having Guests in your Home). It seems that when socializing is done in places outside of the home, the idea of partners having their own unconnected social groups is more natural.

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UNIT 7 | CULTURAL COMMENTARY

References and further reading • Carroll, R. (1988), Cultural Misunderstandings : the French-American experience , Chicago : University of Chicago Press • Bateson, G. (1972), Steps to an Ecology of Mind: Collected Essays in Anthropology, Psychiatry, Evolution, and Epistemology . University of Chicago Press • Vannieu, B. Furansujin kara mita nihon no danjō kankei , in Fujita, T and Doi, I (eds.)(2000) Onna to Otoko no Shadō Wāku , Nakanishiya Shuppan. (in Japanese) In the same vein, when couples invite friends to their home they naturally Yind themselves in the same place, meeting the same people and having a common experience. This experience is one of the forces that molds relationships because they bring the partners into a symmetric interaction, even if their lives are by and large in a complementary dynamic. In the Ibunka Survey, a number of foreigners married to Japanese people have admitted their frustration with not being able to invite friends to their homes and thereby socialize “naturally” together with their spouse. Symmetrical and complementary relationships This points to another cultural dimension of couple relationships which could be described as the level of symmetry or complementarity which is viewed as desirable. Gregory Bateson introduced this continuum in his book Steps to an Ecology of Mind. He suggests that symmetric relationships, in which partners adopt the same type of behavior, can become explosive as symmetry implies competition. On the other hand, complementary relationships, in which partners adopt separate but complementary roles (“You take care of this, and I take care of that”, “You go there and I’ll stay here”, or “I’ll guess your needs and you guess mine”), naturally generates difference. Bateson notes that sometimes even a touch of symmetry brings balance to otherwise heavily complementary relationships. He gives the example from Medieval England, with its extremely top-down societal hierarchy, in which lords dominated the masses, who had very few rights and many burdens. In some areas, lords and commoners would meet for an annual soccer game, in which all of them would play in the mud, following the same rules and doing their best to win. He hypothesizes that those rare events had a strong effect in keeping the system stable, by introducing a touch of symmetry, therefore making the prevailing complementarity more bearable.

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UNIT 7 | CULTURAL COMMENTARY

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