ibunka TB_U7

Hungarian Hanna and Swiss Mila express a view of communication between partners which seems to be common in many Western cultures: “I think that being able to listen to each other’s opinions and requests is one of the most vital things in a relationship”, “For me, it’s only after having a good discussion that you can really empathize with someone. If you just try to guess their feelings, the chances are high that you’ll be mistaken a lot of the time.” On the other hand, Japanese respondents Maho and Takeru express a different preference: “I feel that if he truly loves me, he should take the time to notice my needs”, “I wish he could “read the air” a little better”, and “I feel that I shouldn’t have to explain everything to her.” For them, words shouldn't be so necessary in an intimate relationship. Spelling everything out in detail feels rather cold to them, almost as if their partner wasn’t interested in trying to understand them intuitively. Another Japanese respondent in the OSF section (No. 5) backs this up when she says that for her, “being too analytical takes some of the romance out of a relationship.” In this section, that encompasses Comprehension 2 and Culture Shock, Japanese culture is contrasted with the West as a whole. There actually are deep cultural variations between Western countries, for example between the American and European styles of communication between partners: the degree to which disagreement is accepted, the directeness or indirectness of expressing requests (see Unit 10: Asking a Favor), how directly you express feelings, and the acceptance of sarcasm, humor and irony, amongst others. In the One Step Further section, a Chinese respondent echoes the Japanese predominant cultural pattern: “When I think about it, maybe in reality what I really want is for my husband to guess my needs”. Having friends in common The One Step Further section for this unit covers two topics. The Yirst is about communication styles: “Understanding through discussion” versus “Understanding without words.” The second is more about social or lifestyle preferences: “Having friends in common” versus. “Having separate friends is more comfortable”. • A Japanese respondent states that for her, “We don’t have any friends in common because we went to different universities and work at different companies. It doesn’t matter if we share friends or not”. • A Croatian respondent shares that she Yinds it “surprisingly difYicult to get (her Japanese partner’s) to meet (her) friends.” • An American informant reports that he doesn’t have any friends in common with his Japanese wife, in the meaning of having not only a common bond, but also diadic bonds between him and each of them (which seems to be his meaning for “the traditional sense” of the meaning of “friends”). But it’s worth noting that he seems to indicate meeting his friends in the presence of his wife, and that the reverse is also true. Many other responses we got in the Ibunka Survey were by Westerners complaining that they missed not having friends in common with their Japanese spouse. In Japan, a common reaction seems to be “Why don’t you go out with your friends? They’re yours, and not mine.” It seems that the boundaries of groups (spouse, family, friends, co- workers, etc) are quite differently drawn according to culture. This issue is also connected to the topic of the house (Unit 4, Having Guests in your Home). It seems that when socializing is done in places outside of the home, the idea of partners having their own unconnected social groups is more natural.

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UNIT 7 | CULTURAL COMMENTARY