ibunka TB_U9

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ibunka TB_U9

Unit 9

- Parents and Children

INTRODUCTION TO TEACHERS This unit looks at the parent-child relationship, and some cultural differences in the way children are nurtured and disciplined. Of course, students can only talk about this relationship from the perspective of the child, but it is interesting to Yind out how they feel about the way they were brought up, and how they would like to bring up their own future children. Students with homestay experience in a foreign culture often have interesting views on this topic, so be sure to open the discussion to all.

Part 1 ........................................................................................................129 Part 2 ........................................................................................................131 One Step Further .................................................................................135 Cultural Commentary ........................................................................139

128

UNIT 9 | INTRODUCTION

Part 1

1 - You and Your Culture

Online Form for WARM-UP SURVEY (textbook p.56)

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Online Form for INTERVIEW (textbook p.57)

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Example Sentences for INTERVIEW (textbook p.57) Q1: Did you ever sleep in the same bed as your parents? If so, until what age? • Yes. I think it was until I was about 7 or 8. • Yes, I slept in the same bed as my parents until I was 11. • No, I don’t think so. I always had my own bed. Q2: What do you think is the most appropriate bedtime for a six-year-old child? • I believe that a six-year-old child should be in bed by eight pm. • I think that the most appropriate bedtime for a child that age is around 9. • Eight o’ clock is a reasonable bedtime for a child of six. Q3: For you, when was the most enjoyable stage of your childhood? • For me it was high school, because I Linally had some freedom to do what I liked.

• The most enjoyable time of my childhood was elementary school, because we weren’t studying so hard then. Q4: In your opinion, is it acceptable for a Yive-year-old child to interrupt adults? (to have no table manners? / to be noisy in public places? / to choose the family dinner menu?) • In my opinion it’s OK for a Live-year-old child to be noisy in public or choose the dinner menu, but not having any manners or interrupting adults is not OK. • No. I think that all of these behaviors are not acceptable for a Live-year-old. • I think it’s OK to interrupt adults, because sometimes children have something important to say. But all the others are not acceptable behaviors. Q5: In your opinion, when a couple has a baby, do you think it’s normal that their life becomes centered on that child? • Yes. I think it was until I was about 7 or 8. • Yes, I slept in the same bed as my parents until I was 11. • No, I don’t think so. I always had my own bed.

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UNIT 9 | WARM-UP SURVEY & INTERVIEW

Script for Model INTERVIEW (textbook p.57)

→ Available as audio track “9-00-Interview9” for listening/note-taking practice.

Q1: Did you ever sleep in the same bed as your parents? If you did, until what age? Miki: I can’t remember exactly, but I think I did until I was about seven. Q2: I see. What do you think is the most appropriate bedtime for a six-year-old child? Miki: I would say around 9 pm is best. Q3: For you, when was the most enjoyable stage of childhood? Miki: That’s easy. For me elementary school was the most fun. I had the most freedom to play, and it felt like I could do whatever I wanted then. Q4: In your opinion, is it acceptable for a Yive-year-old child to interrupt adults? Miki: Hmm. I would say it’s OK. They sometimes need to say something important, and parents should always be listening to them. Q4.1: I see. Is it OK for Yive-year olds to have no table manners? Miki: That’s something that is not acceptable. I don’t like kids throwing food around at the table next to me in a restaurant. Q4.2: How about being noisy in public places? Miki: That’s another thing that’s not OK. Kids will be kids, but they shouldn’t annoy people around them. Q4.3: And do you think it’s OK to let kids choose the family dinner menu? Miki: Yeah, I guess so. If I had kids, I would let them choose. I want them to be happy with my cooking, after all. Q5: Last question. In your opinion, when a couple has a baby, do you think it’s normal that their life becomes centered on their child? Miki: I would say so. Little kids need their parents’ attention and help at all times.

130

UNIT 9 | INTERVIEW

Online Form for EXPRESSION 1 & 2 (textbook p.58)

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Example Sentences for EXPRESSION 1 (textbook p.58) • I have the feeling that parents of girls are quite strict about table manners or good behavior in public. In Japan, we sometimes hear mothers say things like, "You're a girl, so you must be proper." • I have the feeling that parents with professions are quite strict about academic success. • In my view, working mothers tend to be more lenient about bedtime than they are about study. • In my opinion, working mothers tend to be more lenient about extracurricular activities than stay-at-home mothers, because it's difYicult to take their children to extracurricular activities if they always work every day. • In my opinion, parents of girls are stricter about good behavior in public than parents of boys. Example Sentences for EXPRESSION 2 (textbook p.58) • I think that many parents in Japan are rather strict about academic success but my parents weren't so much. • I think that most parents are quite lenient about bedtime, and my father was too. • I think that most parents in Japan are very strict about respect for others, and my parents were too.

Part 2

t 2 - People in Other Cultures

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Answers to COMPREHENSION 1 (textbook p.59) Highlighted words are those from the VOCABULARY boxes.

131

UNIT 9 | EXPRESSION & COMPREHENSION

1 Bill , American, surveyor, has lived in Mexico I probably never slept in the same bed as my parents. I was put in a crib from a very young age. Then my parents probably put the crib and me in another room very soon after that, when I was just a few months old. In my country, privacy for parents is very important. The parents’ bed should remain a place for the couple, not for the family.

TRUE FALSE

→ Bill slept in a separate room from his parents’ from when he was born.

☑

□

2 Catriona , British, writer, lives in Japan In the UK, many people think that if little children sleep in the same bed as their parents they will never “cut the cord,” that is, become fully independent from their parents. So it’s largely frowned upon.

TRUE FALSE

→ In the UK, it’s widely believed that sleeping with your children is not good for their development.

☑

□

3 Catriona , British, writer, lives in Japan Since I started living in Japan, my thoughts on children having their own rooms has changed. I used to think they should sleep in a separate room from birth, but later I came to think that this should happen when they start school. Now, I think it should be only when they feel ready. Sleeping with my kids was so cozy and intimate.

TRUE FALSE

→ Through experience, Catriona found that there were good points to co- sleeping.

☑

□

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UNIT 9 | COMPREHENSION

Answers to COMPREHENSION 2 (textbook p.60)

4 Julien, French, teacher, lives in Japan It seems obvious to me that in Japan there is a real laissez-faire attitude of parents towards their children! I often see children whining in front of other people, and their unconcerned parents say nothing. French children usually behave themselves in public. If they are noisy or boisterous they will be quickly reprimanded.

Example Sentences for DISCUSSION (textbook p.60) • I found Catriona's response to be the most unexpected. When I was a child, my parents stayed with me in the same bed until I fell asleep. Especially when you're a baby, accidents may occur, so I think we should sleep together. I don't think if little children sleep in the same bed as their parents they will never "cut the cord." • I found Tim's response to be most interesting. It seemed strange to me until I was in elementary or junior high school that there's a tendency for the child to always be seen as 'right' in the eyes of their parents. However, these days, it seems that the number of such parents is increasing in Japan. 6 Tim , Australian, artist, has lived in France Here in Australia, I think there's a tendency for the child to always be seen as 'right' in the eyes of their parents, and this is played out in parents' relationships with teachers and discipline in schools across the country. I would say that children in my culture are supported almost to the point of being indulged. 5 Tim , Australian, artist, has lived in France I lived in France for a few years. I would say that children there seemed to be better behaved than children in Australia. I think in France the expectations were higher, and there were fewer excuses made for children who weren't behaving in a socially acceptable way.

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UNIT 9 | COMPREHENSION & DISCUSSION

Answers to COMPREHENSION 3 (textbook p.61)

7 Jennifer, Canadian, homemaker, lives in Japan I get the impression that mothers in Japan are expected to devote all of their time and energy to their children. It seems that they almost stop being individuals while they are raising their children, and only get their life back when the kids leave the nest. But maybe it’s less true of the younger generation.

TRUE FALSE

→ Jennifer thinks that many Japanese mothers don’t put enough energy into their parenting. □

☑

8 Rick , New Zealander, teacher, lives in Japan I have always been struck by how much some Japanese parents pamper their children. I see my wife’s relatives sleeping in the same bed as their kids, preparing their meals, even letting them choose the family dinner menu. I sometimes worry that these children will never learn any responsibility.

TRUE FALSE

→ Rick believes that parents shouldn’t let children choose what to have for dinner.

☑

□

9 Rick , New Zealander, teacher, lives in Japan But once they leave the house, these same kids are amazingly mature. Many small children walk by themselves to school, and carry out many duties in their classrooms, such as serving lunches and cleaning the school. This gap between indulgence and discipline is pretty startling for many Westerners I’ve spoken to.

TRUE FALSE

→ Seeing young children clean their own schools was surprising to Rick.

☑

□

Extra Discussion Questions 1. What kinds of rules would you have if you had children? What kinds of things do you think are important for them to learn or do? 2. Do you think co-sleeping is, overall, good or bad for a child? Why? 3. Have you ever been surprised by the way children in a foreign culture behave? What kinds of things are surprising, from your point of view?

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UNIT 9 | COMPREHENSION

One Step Further rther

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Suggested Answers for ONE STEP FURTHER Activities (Google Form)

p.90-p.91 | LOOKING FOR PATTERNS Here are some example answers for the Google form. 1 French / female / accountant / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: hear my neighbor's child (who is about 6 years old) running and screaming around the house at 10 pm, sometimes even 11 pm 2 British / female / writer / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: the mother said, “No, no, it's okay!” / the person said, “No, no, I don't mind.” 3 Russian / female / housewife / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: I was impressed by the sense of warmth and nurturing 4 French / male / teacher / lives in the US Cultural Pattern A: Many American children interrupt their parents, and their parents let them, which I find very vexing.

Cultural Pattern B: I still hear my father's voice telling me to "sit up straight, don't put your elbows on the table". I feel like I've always been instructed in table manners

Cultural Pattern B: I said, “We don't jump on furniture.” / I said “I mind, it is rude and he can't do it.” I also don't let other people's kids help themselves to things from my fridge.

Cultural Pattern B: none

Cultural Pattern B: In France, if a child were to interrupt adults who were speaking together, the child would be scolded.

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UNIT 9 | ONE STEP FURTHER

5 Chinese / male / manager / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern A: none

Cultural Pattern B: My parents set an academic standard for me. / it was not acceptable for my performance to dip below that line.

7 New Zealander / male / teacher / lives in Japan Cultural Pattern C: Just before we started eating, around 7pm, my friend took his 2 year-old daughter upstairs to her room, and I went with him. I saw him switching off the lights, telling her good night, and closing the door. 8 German / female / writer / has lived in the UK Cultural Pattern C: in order to develop a sense of independence. 9 Chinese / male / student / has lived in Japan Cultural Pattern C: none

Cultural Pattern D: My Japanese wife and I slept alongside our children for many years. We live in Japan, so it just seemed normal

Cultural Pattern D: none

Cultural Pattern D: someone right there to take care of them in case of any emergencies.

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UNIT 9 | ONE STEP FURTHER

9 Parents and Children

One Step Further ACTIVITIES

Here are some more responses from the Ibunka Survey on the topic of parenting. Let’s examine them for underlying cultural trends. We can see that the language in many responses hints at four basic patterns.

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LOOKING FOR PATTERNS

CULTURAL PATTERN A: Parenting is centered on the child

CULTURAL PATTERN B: Parenting is based on rules and manners

In some cultures, many parents indulge their children, and often give them unconditional support (as seen in the Australian person's response on page 60).

In other cultures, children are taught the social rules and etiquette of society in a rather strict way (as seen in the French person's response on page 60).

Read through the Ibunka Survey responses below. Highlight in one color the words and phrases that hint at Cultural Pattern A: Parenting is centered on the child, and in another color the parts that suggest Cultural Pattern B: Parenting is based on rules and manners. You can work and discuss this in pairs or small groups.

I was raised in a pretty strict family. I still hear my father's voice telling me to "sit up straight, don't put your elbows on the table". I feel like I've always been instructed in table manners, with rules like waiting until everyone was at the table before starting to eat, and TSQ^ QJF[NSL YMJ YFGQJ \MJS J[JW^TSJ \FX ƳSNXMJI . ST\ QN[J NS /FUFS SJFW 9TP^T It blows my mind to hear my neighbor's child (who is about 6 years old) running and screaming around the house at 10 pm, sometimes even 11 pm, even on weekdays. I had to go to them several times to ask them to calm him down. )UHQFK IHPDOH DFFRXQWDQW OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 1 A few things about parenting have surprised me while living in Japan. For example, we were at a friend's house and their child was jumping on the sofa, so my kids started jumping up and down too. I told my kids to get down. I said, “We don't jump on furniture.” But the mother said, “No, no, it's okay!” I replied, “No, it is not okay. They can't jump on furniture.” If other people's kids jumped on my furniture I would tell them off. And once my son opened someone else's fridge to get a drink. I told him off but the person said, “No, no, I don't mind.” I said “I mind, it is rude and he can't do it.” I also don't let other people's kids help themselves to things from my fridge. %ULWLVK IHPDOH ZULWHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 2 When my children were in kindergarten and primary school in Japan, I was impressed by the sense of warmth and nurturing. I wish it had been like that for me when I was small. 5XVVLDQ IHPDOH KRXVHZLIH OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 3 Many American children interrupt YMJNW UFWJSYX FSI YMJNW UFWJSYX QJY YMJR \MNHM . ƳSI very vexing. In France, if a child were to interrupt adults who were speaking together, the child would be scolded. )UHQFK PDOH WHDFKHU OLYHV LQ WKH 86 4 . YMNSP (MNSJXJ UFWJSYX FWJ XYWNHY GJHFZXJ YMJ^ GJQNJ[J YMFY YMNX NX YMJ TSQ^ \F^ YT RFPJ their children study hard enough to survive the extreme social pressure. We have a large population, so competition is very ƳJWHJ . My parents set an academic standard for me. I could fall behind a little, but it was not acceptable for my performance to dip below that line. It is YWZJ YMFY FX F (MNSJXJ XYZIJSY NK ^TZ fall behind several times, it is very hard to catch up again. &KLQHVH PDOH PDQDJHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 5

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LOOKING FOR PATTERNS

CULTURAL PATTERN D: Parents and children sleep together

CULTURAL PATTERN C: Parents and children sleep separately

In other cultures, small children are viewed as fragile beings who need to be nurtured and protected, so they sleep with their parents. The family generally sleeps as a group.

In some cultures, children are made to sleep by themselves from a young age. This is to help them become independent, and also to allow parents to have intimacy as a couple.

Read through the Ibunka Survey responses below. Highlight in one color the words and phrases that hint at Cultural Pattern C: Parents and children sleep separately, and in another color the parts that show Cultural Pattern D: Parents and children sleep together. You can work and discuss this in pairs or small groups.

My Japanese wife and I slept alongside our children for many years. We live in Japan, so it just seemed normal. I still remember the shock I had when, as a young couple, we were invited for dinner at a friends’ place during a trip back to New Zealand for the summer. We had left our own daughter with my parents. /ZXY GJKTWJ \J XYFWYJI JFYNSL FWTZSI UR R^ KWNJSI YTTP MNX ^JFW TQI IFZLMYJW ZUXYFNWX YT MJW WTTR FSI . \JSY \NYM MNR . XF\ MNR switching off the lights, telling her good night, and closing the door. We went back downstairs and we adults had a wonderful evening, talking and laughing. For me, it was a surreal experience! 1HZ =HDODQGHU PDOH WHDFKHU OLYHV LQ -DSDQ 7 I think a UWJXHMTTQ FLJ child should be asleep by around 8 pm, and they should get used to sleeping in their own room as soon as possible, in order to develop a sense of independence. *HUPDQ IHPDOH ZULWHU KDV OLYHG LQ WKH 8. 8 I think small children should sleep with their parents. Especially when they are only a few months old, it’s better if there is someone right there to take care of them in case of any emergencies. &KLQHVH PDOH VWXGHQW KDV OLYHG LQ -DSDQ 9

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Write a paragraph on the topic of parenting and culture. Include your opinions and reactions to the cultural patterns you found in these survey responses.

EXPRESSION

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Cultural Commentary lt l Co entary

Co-sleeping: comforting or coddling? This unit looks at the relationships between parents and children, and issues of discipline, indulgence and how children learn (or are taught) the rules of society. We begin with the question of children sleeping in the same bed as their parents. Students can easily relate to this very concrete topic. Co-sleeping is common in Japanese culture, until the age of six or seven, but some sleep next to their parents, as our students shared with us in class. Sleeping with a comforting presence by their side has been a deYining experience in their lives. They also often have the experience of sleeping together in the living room. In the West, co-sleeping, especially after the child has reached an age is generally frowned upon. As British Catriona says on page 59, people think it can hinder their child’s development: “In the UK, many people think that if little children sleep in the same bed as their parents they will never “cut the cord,” that is, become fully independent from their parents.” The idea that children should become independent is valued in the West as a whole, and by contrast not valued in Japan, where it is considered normal for these small, helpless beings to be nurtured and allowed to amaeru (depend upon) others . Parents’ privacy as a couple is also valued in Western countries, as American Bill states: “The parents’ bed should remain a place for the couple, not for the family.” This entails letting children cry at night for a few weeks after they are placed in a crib to sleep on their own. Children have to learn that they must sleep alone, in the dark, at designated times. Parents who follow that practice Yind it hard emotionally but necessary. In Japan, support for little children is total. The idea of letting a child cry is anathem. Respondent Jennifer says on page 61, “I get the impression that mothers in Japan are expected to devote all of their time and energy to their children.” Couples typically have very little intimacy for their couple life and accept it as inevitable. Supporting children versus teaching them the rules of society The question of discipline, or how strict parents should be with children, is the second aspect this unit deals with. Our French respondents and other ethnological sources lead us to believe that French culture is quite strict with children, since their early years. The general idea is that children must quickly learn the rules of society, lest they become “spoiled brats.” This means they must learn table manners, not to be noisy in restaurants, and other basic social skills. American parents are, in contrast, more intent on the idea of supporting their children. From the point of view of French people, this can lead to excessive leniency. For example, if a child were to interrupt adults who were in the middle of a conversation, a French parent would say “Let us speak!” to their child, and Even the conversation partner or a bystander (with no relation to the child) might make a remark to that effect! American parents are generally more forgiving of this behavior, and will stop to listen to what the child has to say. This leads to epic culture shocks between American and French people, as Raymonde Carroll delineates in her chapter on Parents and Children. Australian respondent Tim says on page 60 that “I would say that children in my culture are supported almost to the point of being indulged”, echoing the cultural pattern that Carroll describes in the context of American culture. In the One Step Further section, we have described this continuum as, “Parenting is centered on the child” vs. “Parenting is based on rules and manners”. But again, it is a question of point of comparison. New Zealander Rick marvels on page 61 that, “I have always been struck by how much some Japanese parents pamper their children. I see my wife’s relatives sleeping in the same bed as their kids, preparing their meals, even letting them choose the family dinner menu. I sometimes worry that these children will never learn any responsibility.” Indulgence and socialization in Japan At the same time, Japanese children also learn to follow the rules of society. Rick continues: “But once they leave the house, these same kids are amazingly mature. Many small children walk by themselves to school, and carry out many duties in their classrooms, such as serving lunches and cleaning the school. This gap between indulgence and discipline is pretty startling for many Westerners I’ve spoken to.” Research and anecdotes reveal that Japanese parents are generally supportive of their children and tend to avoid any direct confrontation of wills. Social learning happens largely outside, in settings such as schools and clubs (see Unit 5: In the Clubhouse).. American professor and interculturalist John Spiri (see reference and link to article below) explains: “I’ve been shocked at times (not necessarily in a negative way but just very surprised) by

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UNIT 9 | CULTURAL COMMENTARY

how indulgent Japanese parents are. I feel Japanese parenting is more hands-off. For example, I recently saw the following scene play out in a nearby park. A Japanese mother tells her twelve-year-old daughter that it’s time to go home. The girl, tossing crumbs to carp in the pond, ignores her. More requests, with escalating Yirmness, are also ignored. The mother, and grandmother, wait for around Yive minutes. Finally, the girl Yinishes her feeding and they all walk off together. It was remarkable for me how there wasn’t a clash of wills between the mother and her child. I think that in a similar situation in America, parents would make it a question of obedience to their will.” This corroborates response No.2 in the One Step Further section, by a British mother who has raised her children in Japan. “A few things about parenting have surprised me while living in Japan. For example, we were at a friend's house and their child was jumping on the sofa, so my kids started jumping up and down too. I told my kids to get down. I said, “We don't jump on furniture.” But the mother said, “No, no, it's okay!” I replied, “No, it is not okay. They can't jump on furniture.” If other people's kids jumped on my furniture I would tell them off.” Individualism-collectivism: narrow scope, better vision A connection can be made with the concepts of individualism and collectivism. When these concepts are used in a wide-ranging way, to make blanket statements (such as “Western cultures are individualistic and Japanese culture is collectivist”), they sometimes obscure important aspects of cultural diversity. As we saw in Unit 7 for example, French people can be considered to be either individualistic or collectivist, depending on the situation considered. In the public sphere, when surrounded by strangers, they don’t mind PDAs (an expression of an “individualistic” mindset), but in the presence of friends and family they are more restrained, by respect for the other people present (a more “collectivist” one). So, are French people individualist, or collectivist? It depends on the situation that is being considered. The individualism-collectivism continuum (or any such abstract concept) is most useful when it is applied with a more narrow focus, that is, on that of a speciYic situation. For example, • the way people feel about PDAs in the public sphere, when surrounded by strangers (situation 1). • the way people feel about PDAs in the presence of friends and family (situation 2). In the same way, in Unit 8 (Conversation and Discussion) we saw some similarities in the way American and Japanese people view disagreement in discussion. In both of these cultures this is looked upon rather favorably, albeit to quite different degrees. This stands in contrast with people from French culture, and probably people from other Latin cultures, who are generally unfazed by disagreement and contradiction, and could therefore be seen as more individualistic, at least within the prism of that situation. In this unit on Parents and Children, if we attempt to categorize cultures using the individualist-collectivist continuum, we could posit that: • On the topic of co-sleeping, Western cultures considered as a whole are individualistic and Japanese culture is collectivist. • On the other hand, from the point of view of how strict parents should be with their children (as described in the second part of this unit), our French respondents and other ethnological sources lead us to believe that French culture is quite strict with children, even in their early years. This can be seen as collectivist, because the focus is on learning and following the social rules of politeness, so as not to disturb others. • American parents are, in contrast, more intent on the idea of supporting their children. From the vantage point of French people, this can be seen as individualistic, as they think it’s best to side with one’s child no matter what, even if that means defying societal norms.. • In Japan, support and indulgence for little children is total. Parents are supportive of their children and tend to avoid direct confrontation of the wills. Social learning happens largely outside, in schools and clubs. From both the points of view of co-sleeping and discipline, Japanese parents can therefore be said to have a more collectivist mindset. References and further reading • Spiri, J. (2004), Bringing up baby. Osaka: Kansai Time Out • Druckerman P. (2012), Bringing up bébé . New York: Penguin Press (French and American parenting styles) • Interview with Pamela Druckerman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGk5NvZZfRM • Parenting Around the World: Child-Rearing Practices in Different Cultures

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