ibunka TB_U9

Cultural Commentary lt l Co entary

Co-sleeping: comforting or coddling? This unit looks at the relationships between parents and children, and issues of discipline, indulgence and how children learn (or are taught) the rules of society. We begin with the question of children sleeping in the same bed as their parents. Students can easily relate to this very concrete topic. Co-sleeping is common in Japanese culture, until the age of six or seven, but some sleep next to their parents, as our students shared with us in class. Sleeping with a comforting presence by their side has been a deYining experience in their lives. They also often have the experience of sleeping together in the living room. In the West, co-sleeping, especially after the child has reached an age is generally frowned upon. As British Catriona says on page 59, people think it can hinder their child’s development: “In the UK, many people think that if little children sleep in the same bed as their parents they will never “cut the cord,” that is, become fully independent from their parents.” The idea that children should become independent is valued in the West as a whole, and by contrast not valued in Japan, where it is considered normal for these small, helpless beings to be nurtured and allowed to amaeru (depend upon) others . Parents’ privacy as a couple is also valued in Western countries, as American Bill states: “The parents’ bed should remain a place for the couple, not for the family.” This entails letting children cry at night for a few weeks after they are placed in a crib to sleep on their own. Children have to learn that they must sleep alone, in the dark, at designated times. Parents who follow that practice Yind it hard emotionally but necessary. In Japan, support for little children is total. The idea of letting a child cry is anathem. Respondent Jennifer says on page 61, “I get the impression that mothers in Japan are expected to devote all of their time and energy to their children.” Couples typically have very little intimacy for their couple life and accept it as inevitable. Supporting children versus teaching them the rules of society The question of discipline, or how strict parents should be with children, is the second aspect this unit deals with. Our French respondents and other ethnological sources lead us to believe that French culture is quite strict with children, since their early years. The general idea is that children must quickly learn the rules of society, lest they become “spoiled brats.” This means they must learn table manners, not to be noisy in restaurants, and other basic social skills. American parents are, in contrast, more intent on the idea of supporting their children. From the point of view of French people, this can lead to excessive leniency. For example, if a child were to interrupt adults who were in the middle of a conversation, a French parent would say “Let us speak!” to their child, and Even the conversation partner or a bystander (with no relation to the child) might make a remark to that effect! American parents are generally more forgiving of this behavior, and will stop to listen to what the child has to say. This leads to epic culture shocks between American and French people, as Raymonde Carroll delineates in her chapter on Parents and Children. Australian respondent Tim says on page 60 that “I would say that children in my culture are supported almost to the point of being indulged”, echoing the cultural pattern that Carroll describes in the context of American culture. In the One Step Further section, we have described this continuum as, “Parenting is centered on the child” vs. “Parenting is based on rules and manners”. But again, it is a question of point of comparison. New Zealander Rick marvels on page 61 that, “I have always been struck by how much some Japanese parents pamper their children. I see my wife’s relatives sleeping in the same bed as their kids, preparing their meals, even letting them choose the family dinner menu. I sometimes worry that these children will never learn any responsibility.” Indulgence and socialization in Japan At the same time, Japanese children also learn to follow the rules of society. Rick continues: “But once they leave the house, these same kids are amazingly mature. Many small children walk by themselves to school, and carry out many duties in their classrooms, such as serving lunches and cleaning the school. This gap between indulgence and discipline is pretty startling for many Westerners I’ve spoken to.” Research and anecdotes reveal that Japanese parents are generally supportive of their children and tend to avoid any direct confrontation of wills. Social learning happens largely outside, in settings such as schools and clubs (see Unit 5: In the Clubhouse).. American professor and interculturalist John Spiri (see reference and link to article below) explains: “I’ve been shocked at times (not necessarily in a negative way but just very surprised) by

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UNIT 9 | CULTURAL COMMENTARY